Golf Jokes

09-12-2007: Golf Truisms [+]
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear ..[+]

09-12-2007: New Golf Terms [+]
* A Cuban - needs one more revolution * An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim * An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker * A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand * A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect * A Kate Moss - bit thin * A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional * A David Trimble - tentative prod * A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water * An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result * A ..[+]

09-12-2007: The Barristers Dream [+]
All his life, a most proper and dignified English Barrister widower, with a considerable income, had dreamed of playing Sandringham (one of Great Britain's truly exclusive golf courses). One day he made up his mind to chance it while he was traveling in the area. Although he was aware that the club was very exclusive, he decided that he would ask the man behind the desk if he might play the famous course. The club's secretary inquired, ..[+]

09-12-2007: Somersaults [+]
A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says,  That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?   Somersaults,  says the man.  Somersaults?!  ..[+]

09-12-2007: God dammit [+]
There is a guy who is playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th green the guy misses a three foot putt and says,  God dammit, I missed.  The priest tells him not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on the next hole the guy misses a two foot putt and says again,  God dammit, I missed.  The priest tells him that if he continues to use vulgar language on the golf course, he will have God strike him down ..[+]

09-12-2007: Golf and St. Peter [+]
A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter.  Ah , says St. Peter,  weve been expecting you. Id like to let you walk through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I notice youve lived a good life....BUT....I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little angry and said the  F  word, didnt you?   Yes , says the man,  but it was only one time.  St. Peter ..[+]

09-12-2007: 3 more golf jokes [+]
I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. ..[+]

09-12-2007: More Jokes [+]
This is a true story. After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered cooly and casually,  It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it ! Contributed by Anthony Beswick -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together. On a severely ..[+]

09-12-2007: Golf jokes never end [+]
The golfer scratched his head, went to his bag and pulled out his driver. He repeated his routine, and topped the ball, sending it dribbling 30 yards out on the practice range. He looked at the pro for a suggestion, who advised him  Your problem is still LOFT . The frustrated student then pulled out a 5-iron, took his swing and struck an ugly duck hook. The pro again told him  I'm sorry, but your problem is still LOFT . The ..[+]

09-12-2007: The laws of Golf [+]
THE LAWS OF GOLF LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. ..[+]